My relationship with trust is a complicated one. In life, I generally fall back on the sentiment that ‘whatever’s meant to be, will be’. But my instinct is to protect before I trust. To protect my energy from burn out. To protect my ego from judgment. To protect my happiness from disappointment. Not wanting to feel affected if things don't work out as I may have hoped, I constantly temper my expectations. I rarely fall into the ease of trust. Not allowing myself certain expectations or hopes, because on a deeper level, I don't want to become tied to the outcome. Wanting to be okay with however my life ends up playing out, I choose to avoid the vulnerability of trust.

Trust doesn’t come that easily to me. It’s something I have to remind myself to ease in to. On a slow day in practice, trust that my practice will grow. When any little symptom pops up, trust that the body can heal. When I don't feel connected to anyone, trust that the right person will come along when the timing is right. When I feel hurt by someone, trust that most things aren’t personal. When I struggle with making a decision, trust that the answers will come. I mostly exercise trust, as a tool to dispel the tension I feel around something. Trusting the process is an ease that often takes effort.

I had one of those moments the other day at spin class when oxygen deprivation kicks in and the daydream zone strikes. I asked myself what I most wanted to trust. What came up? …that I am capable. I was surprised how quickly that answer popped up. I think there’s a lot of doubt subconsciously around my capacity, and I tend to favor a safer route. There’s a lot of things I hold back on, mostly from a place of fearing burn out. A place where I have been, and no longer felt like myself; a place I dread. I want to trust that I am able to push, that I am resilient, and that I can thrive.

This mostly comes up for me around career and sport. I want to push to take on big goals, but in the last few years, I have had a big block around that. My justification for holding back was that I felt I needed to rest and recover, but I know that the fear of burn out and not feeling like myself was in that tangled mess. On a subconscious level, I had stopped trusting my capability and capacity.

Lucky for us, we have the privilege of choosing our thoughts. We can catch ourselves, and alter our instinctive thought patterns. We can choose trust, and a feeling of ease when tension starts taking over. Mindfully evaluating where our behaviors are driven by fear, and where our attempts to protect ourselves are no longer serving us. We can only know the balance between fear and trust by constantly checking in and re-evaluating what we allow to propel us. We need a healthy amount of both fear and trust, but a state of trust propels the confidence to progress and grow. So… I’m going to choose to trust more this month and see what happens. BIG THINGS! Hah ;)

I chose this picture for this post, my 30th birthday- another new start this year surrounded by lots of love and close friends!

The first post is a little intimidating- I’ve been trying to figure out what would merit the very first spot on the blog! What I decided to write about, is just that though- getting going, and taking the first steps in the direction of your goals.

Yesterday over coffee with a friend, we talked about how hard it is to take those first steps- how you want it to be perfect so you can put your best foot forward from the start. Depending on how big your goals are, and how connected you are to them, this first step can be scary. We talked about the desire to be anonymous in your first attempt at putting yourself out there, for some reason feeling like you are more vulnerable in front of the people that you already know. Not knowing what their expectations may be, and also showing a side of yourself that those around you don't necessary know all that well, or see all too often. Our passions, hobbies, and ultimately the career paths we choose, are what we have chosen to repeatedly pursue in our alone time, without any thought of trying to relate or connect to others. It is the side, that is simply true to ourselves, and putting it out there to share can tweak at our vulnerability strings.

Later that day another friend and colleague passed on a video, without knowing where I was at, that couldn’t have been better timing. The video was by a motivational speaker, who spoke about starting your dream. The biggest take away I got from it was this: “ You don't have to be great to start. You have to start to be great.”

So here it is- a new start. Yaaaahoooo! :)